What if?

What if I have to take another blow?
What if I will be hurt again?
What if this will fail?
What if this will cost me to be broken furthermore?
What if it affects my performance in school?
What if this is something my parents don't allow and accept?
What if my dreams are broken?
What if I have mental disorder after that?
What if I have to break all my promise?
What if I regret?
What if both parties are hurt?
What if everything is just a lie?
What if this is not going to work?

Sorry, I'm tired. Let me go..

Have already KO even before I depart.

After reflecting, deciding and deep thinking, I finally know what I want to be. Hopefully after a few weeks of criticism, I have mature at least. To the one, I understood, wish you all the best, shall let time heal me and there will be no room for you to worry from now.

To myself: work towards what you have always wanted to be. Well, shall find my way back into it after I achieve half of what I always want to be. If not, I shall do so after I complete my passport to the next stage.

Anyway, have been busy with work. That's why I didn't blog for these few days. I have also started on my revision already. It will get more and more intensive as each term passed. I really don't want to score that grade anymore. What I have predict in this term really happened - which is a double blow for my parents.

I am also feeling guilty about it because firstly, I have been sick for a month plus. Secondly, they pay for my fieldtrip even though I pay for my own expenses. Lastly, they have to pay so much for my examination fees. Plus my sister taking with me this year, the amount is doubled. So all these have already burn a big hole in their pocket.

Other than my parents, I have let everyone down too. In terms of emotion and academic. I know that I have let Bernice to worry about me the most.



Alright, some happier ones.

From this fieldtrip, I meet new people in school whom I never talk to before and made peace with .. . Hopefully these all last long and it is true that we have stop bearing grudges on each other.

The teacher-in-charge of this fieldtrip was tricked by the travel agency. I broke the news to her during recess and she was very, very, very shocked. Haha.

And I can't wait to go out and rock the town with my sistas, BFFs and friends. Please, make it.

The next post maybe up after a few days even few weeks later. Will be busy with buying this and that for the fieldtrip over the next two weeks until I depart.

Oh, and I will be killed by the 6 hours flight.

You asked me if I look forward to the trip,
I answered yes.
You asked me why and I didn't really tell you the correct reason behind it.
Well, I guess you have already expected the meaning behind it.
Or do you need me to reason about it again?

Not a bookworm.

Was happily browsing facebook and I seen a fansite for House of Night Series. So I clicked on it and surprised that the 5th volume, 'Hunted' is coming soon in March this year.

Gosh, I have finished reading only the first volume, 'Marked', about 2 weeks ago.

For your information, I heard that there are 9 volumes in this series.

Wondering if they can do better than Twilight if they are going to talk about having it on movie. =/

Well, will try to save more money to purchase the next 3 volume and catch up.

Gambateh !

I'M STILL NOT DRUNK !

Grrr. Bernice just came over to give my some cream cake. Have been gaining mass/weight because of her. Just ate some CHOCOLATE pudding which is also made by her. It's a lil too sweet but I still love it because the chocolate is super rich and nice. Haha.

Then she just has a sip of blackcurrant vodka + 7up. And Bernice Wong Shu Juan, I have not drunk yet. Okay, it's a lil now. But, my mind is still clear okay?

Well, as for some updates about school, I am having some trouble with my attire. The DM has been checking the girls up for altered skirt for the past 2 days and there's another round of checking on Monday. I have to purchase a new skirt tomorrow. My form and co-form teachers say that my skirt is not up to standard because I wear it low waist.

Other than my attire issue, I am also having some troubles with how to tell my parents that how I fared for my term test. If you are curious, I have 3 sub-passes, 2 fail and only 1 pass; BORDERLINE pass. Surprisingly, even my strength subjects have become my weakness. My form teacher even gives me a remark about it in front of the class. Indeed, I agree with her. I have drop a lot. Not even a lot; it is a great big lot. Expected to pass this and that but I only get sub-pass. <16 points for L1B4 for 'O' levels seem to be a super tough task for me now. Due to all this, I think I am on the verge of giving up at this point of time.

Looks like I really have to reflect about it over the weekend. Starting from my health, my bad habits, attention in class and all other possible causes that make me do so badly this term.

Cough cough go away. Come again after O levels.

Blogged.

Nothing to write because my lower back is not having a good day today.

RWAR !

and the tears are pouring..

Feeling not so good today. My cough seemed to have come back and my lower back is not having a good day too.

Was suppose to go somewhere after school but that person got something on so I brought the prezzies from home to school and from school to home. RWAR. Well, to that person, you still owe me Kuromi(:

And I am happy on the other side that, Yanhong is back to school with C-H-O-C-O-L-A-T-E-S !! Hershey's Dark Chocolate and Some almond milk chocolate. Chocolate high is expected for the next few hours ((:

Speaking of hours later, Bernice will be coming over to my home to pass me some cookies which are made by her. Wondering if it's edible or not. =/ But still, I trust her skills. Haha. I miss the cheesecake and fruit tarts. Hopefully she can make me raspberry pie one day.

Do you know what? I'm turning 17 soon. How I wish I'm turning 18 this year. Gahh.

Did I see 'PE' on my timetable for tomorrow? AHH~ It's 2.4 T.T

I'm still trying hard. However, it keep failing...

Now I know why almost everyone is doing so.

I love the mountains,
I love the clear blue skies.
I love big bridges,
I love when great whites fly.
I love the whole world,
And all it's sights and sounds

Boomdeyada, boomdeyade
boomdeyada, BOOMDEYADA.

I love the oceans,
I love real dirty things,
I love to go fast,
I love Egyptian kings.
I love the whole world,
And all it's craziness..

Boomdeyada, boomdeyade
boomdeyada, boomdeyada.

I love tornadoes,
I love arachnids,
I love hot magma,
I love the giant squids,
I love the whole world,
It's such a brilliant place..

Boomdeyada, boomdeyade
boomdeyada, boomdeyada,
Boomdeyada, boomdeyade
boomdeyada, boomdeyada...




That's why almost everyone is boomdeyada-ing.
-.-

Stay up till 4 in the morning...

I don't know how to describe my current feelings now. But what I know is I still feel the pain immediately after what I see. It's excruciating.

Should I be thankful that you make me realised that I am healed and moving on superficially?

I'm relieved that we are still friends and still can talk via msn.

I hope that my intuition is wrong. If it's correct, last long(:




Oh ya, I am thinking of making a new blogskin for myself. Just cannot decide which wallpaper to put and I am not really free to make it nowadays.

Jo, can I be honest about I still love you and have not move on?

Black Friday.

HHHHHEEEEELLLLLLLLLLOOOOO!!!!!

Currently on Sugar High. Haha.

Today, I had a great time after school in class with Geraldine, Yanping, Ruitian and Fadhlina. Done something related to art on some 'canvases' and cam-whored.

Then after CCA and dental check, went out with Bernice to Orchard Road to celebrate Valentines Day in advance. Didn't expect to see Samuel Quek selling flowers there. Bern bought one fresh rose from him and gives it to me. How sweet is she? And I bought her a rose too. However this rose will never whiter. Hah. Oh ya, I saw lots of kuromi stuff at Far East Plaza and Takashimaya. I WANT THAT SLIPPERS, COSMETIC POUCH, PURSE, FILE etcetc CAN? Ate some sweet thingy from Bakerinz (Pardon me if I spelt it wrongly (: ) too.

Heard that Miki is somehow jealous that Bernice loves me more. Muahaha. Chill Miki, you are going to have her for the whole day on the actual Valentines Day tomorrow. So, just shut the gap up =x Thanks for your cooperation.

Well, till here.

*Sugar high-ing away*

{added}
so happy today beacuse I have finally finish my antibiotics albeit I still cough sometimes.
{/added}

Count my blessings.

That is one of my blessings(:



I'm counting my blessings because I feel so lucky that I have people around me to encourage me and cheer me up whenever I'm very down.

Thanks all and loves (:

This post is specially for Bernice(:

All thanks to her love that I have been gaining weight. She keeps asking me if I want cheese cake, pie, cookies etcetc. I won't decline the offer of course (: Because they are all made up of love from her. I'm so blessed man.

Anyway, this year is our 4th year of our friendship. Hopefully we will stay in contact. I want it to last even after we have our own family. I will be thankful if it is beyond that.

Well, Bernice, I just want to say, thanks for being there for me whenever I'm freaking down albeit you keep nagging and scolding me to wake me up to reality, I'm glad that you are there to let me share my great, joyous and happy moments with you and thank you for telling me how jerky are some guys can be. (:

Halo - Beyonce

Remember those walls I built?
Well, baby they are tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make a sound
I found a way to let you in
But, I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had, you break it
It's the risk that I'm taking
I ain't never gonna shut you out!

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby, I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby, I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh ooh.....

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light
I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had, you break it
It's the risk that I'm taking
I'm never gonna shut you out!

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby, I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby, I can feel your halo
I pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh ooh.....
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh ooh.....
Halo, ooh ooh.....
Halo, ooh ooh, ooooh........

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby, I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby, I can feel your halo
I pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh oooh.......
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh oooh.......


Addicted to this song for this moment. Beautiful sound of the piano, the strong voice of Beyonce. Nice and splendid.

stuck.

For the past few days,
I have been trying to move on.
I kept myself busy so that my mind is occupied that it does not have any room for you.
However, whenever I am trying to get myself to fall asleep,
I can't stop thinking of you somehow.

Every weekend, whenever I go online,
I keep anticipating you to come online.
It seems like something is missing in my life.
I am pondering if that missing puzzle is you.
And I don't dare to expect anything much.
All because I have it enough.

I'm too tired, sick and even afraid of taking another blow.
This is all because you have done it once when my illness was debilitating me.

I admit that I hate dislike you for what you have done.
But I somehow still like you and can't stop thinking of you.
The feeling just cannot cease,
I can't seem to move on.
I'm stuck.
Tell me how I can get out of this dilemma so that I can live freely without any troubles and tensions within me...

I'm still trying..

Still on medication and my sore throat seems to be a recurring one. Meaning, your throat is alright today, but it will be in pain again tomorrow. Yep.

Anyway, I had a great time at Kelly's/Keewee's home last night. Thankfully, Wenjun was there and I knew 3 new people. Jonathan, Belle, and another guy which I forgot his name -.-

Sang K with the girls and I feel so weak. After singing 2 songs, my throat can't take it anymore. Played cards and chat a lil while with the guys and my sisters too.

Oh, and I found that that Jon is almost the same as the Jon in my class. However, that Jon I know yesterday is much more out-going (?) than the one from my class.

Alright, that's the random post for today. And I don't look forward for the parent's night on the 27th.

Oh, mathematics test on vectors tomorrow. BAH !





Have I really moved on or is that just on the superficial?
Well, I want to take a big, good and well-deserved break.
I want to enjoy life !
Yes(:

feeling more of heavy to light.

Got back my chemistry paper today and I under-performed. Got 26 over 40. Should I be elated about it that I have pass it and be happy that this is the first subject that I have pass for this term test so far? Guess not uh. Though I pass my chemistry, I still can't pass my combined sciences. All thanks to physics. If not due to some careless mistakes, I may have score 30 over 40 for chemistry and be in the top few of the band already; pulling up my combined sciences to a borderline pass perhaps. BAH !

I can't seem to concentrate in class today. Is it due to what happen on Tuesday? I'm not very sure about it. Plus, I started to miss her suddenly during class too. It's already 3 to 4 months already and I still can't get over her death when I thought that I have got over it until today. I nearly cried today while listening to some songs too.

Went for fieldtrip briefing too. Should I be happy about it? Since there are people who find that bearing grudges aren't tiring, I shall keep my mouth shut and sew then.

There's a familiar voice in my head that keep telling me: 'Lynn, stay strong. You must get over those obstacles in front of you and be the girl you want to be all along.'

Somehow I recalled that it was her who told me all these before she left without waiting for me. However, I do feel her presence lingering. She has always been by my side. Is she?


And dear, you seemed to have hurt people at a very appropriate time. Especially to choose it to do so when she debilitate.

Thankyouverymuchforthat.





{added}
Oh ya, and happy, happy 20th birthday to Weiyang(:
{/added}

Vitamin C wanted.

Didn't go to school today because my throat condition seems to have deteriorated after some impact from something. LOL.

Diagnosis: Throat Infection.

As what I expected since last week. That explain why there's fever sometimes. Just realised that my nose have been bleeding while I was asleep for the past 2 nights.

I feel so guilty for burning a big hole on my parents' pocket, just for my medical bill alone.

Well, have to go back to my mathematics ten years series. Have to start studying for exams now.

Once again, thanks for the accompaniment last night, Kev(:





So can you teach me how to feign that I'm alright and fine in front of you?

I'm a dumb for now.

MY VOICE IS GONE.
I'M SO VOICELESS NOW.

Tsk. Was voiceless since yesterday evening after meeting Bernice with her lab mouse at SSC. Did I tell you that I saw Samuel after talking online for like so many gazillion light-years? LOL. So exaggerating. Yep. He's currently working at SSC Jean Yip as a learner. Yep, LEARNER. Anyway, hope he can be successful as what he target for (:

And I feel so guilty this few days for making idiot very worry for me since last month. Yep, I have been ill for a month already. Starting with gastric then later cold during CNY break and now throat infection.

Today's school was so relax. 2 periods with no teacher as teacher was absent from school. Yanhong, Ruitian and Yanping said that they miss my voice? LOL. And Geraldine said that it's better for me to be a dumb because both of us will communicate better that way. -.-

Got back my term test results for Mathematics and Physics. I topped the class by reverse for maths with a score of 8 over 60 which is 13 over 100, F9. I think I also topped the class by reverse for physics with a score of 11 over 40. As what I expect as usual.

Yesterday's POA paper was screwed up by me and I somehow wrote too briefly for today's letter writing. Overall, I screwed my term test until so worst that all my results and marks broke the new record for the lousiest marks and grade.

Oh thanks for the encouragement, Kev. (:

By the way, was dismissed at about 2.15pm and actually thought of going somewhere to hunt for my stuff. However, I decided to park my ass at home. With my fantastic term test results, look like I have park it at the wrong place, don't I?

Well, till here for today.



Approximate a month to go for the release of A level results and overseas fieldtrip..
A month and a half more till we can meet (?).



Idiot, I'm so sorry for making you worry while you're so away, this one month until now (?). Stop worrying okay? I will be fine, can scream and shout like before after a week or so. Thanks for the nagging yet caring message to me (: